The 21st is a few more days away. I'm going to grow old another year. It's not as exciting as it used to be. I'm not even excited about gifts anymore. I just wanted people to be there.

The last time that I'd been excited about gifts was December about 10 to 15 years ago. We used to have this new year family gathering and my titas from Bacolod would all come home. We all spend the new year in lola's house. Once 12 midnight strikes, we'd open the gifts and my brothers and cousins and I would have new clothes and notebooks or shoes depending on what our parents requested.

The prospect of having new things for new year, speculating what it could be, was fun even to our parents and lola and lolo. Then life happened. I've grown my own wings, tails and even horns. The gifts became all about the price and the newness, not the thought and the preparation. Whenever I'm given something, I started to complain. "It's not even new." "Duh, it's just a remnant of what they wore."

And then the gift giving stopped. And I started to miss it.

I wanted gifts to be given as a surprise. I often don't want it on my birthday because presently most people see gift giving as an obligation rather than as a source of joy to the person who's receiving it. And I don't want anyone to feel obligated. I want people to be happy for me because another year has passed and I'm still alive. I wanted people to pray for me so that I can be safe for another year and hopefully still celebrate another birthday.

Because when I die, it's not the gifts that would matter anymore.

For my birthday, I wish for your happiness. May it be in family, in job, in life - I hope you find it.

I'd like to believe that I found my happiness. And having said that, I hope God wouldn't think of me as selfish to request for the said happiness for life. Even if life - is short.